today is a gift

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

what is up with me? what is freaking wrong with me? am i a munafiq? nau'zubillah. but am i one? i don't know. i just feel i am. maybe i am. i am a muslim and i am proud of being one. ain't i? but why do i keep feeling this way? is it because of those terrorists that the sacred islamic religion is torn? or is it because it's not cool to be religious or perhaps believing in a religion? i cannot lie to myself that i do feel belittled among the others especially my friends. whatever, anybody. i keep saying that i believe in Almighty Allah s.w.t. and i frequently remind myself that He never fails to see me as well as all of us. yet, i keep committing sins. yet, i fail to complete the 5 solats in a sincere manner. like i am really into them and focused so freaking much in my solats. yet, i keep doing mistakes all over again. i constantly remind myself to repent before it's too late. yes, i admit i do seek forgiveness from The Forgiving but why do i keep committing sins? yes, no one is perfect. but one learns from his mistakes. but why don't i learn? i dreamt once that i was in the grave, screaming and bawling for help and feeling so hot. i did dream that i was in hell, deserving those punishments for my sins. i could never forget when i was so lazy to solat asar that i slept and didn't bother about the time. but than, a voice shouted out my name. that voice. it's so loud that i thought i heard it right in my ear. only then did i go straight to shower, do the abolution and pray. those things happened as if to show me signs. but why don't i truly repent? i still keep doing sins. whenever i go out with my friends, i will dress up and look myself into the mirror. how i wish i could be like them who are able to wear any outfits. how i wish i do not need to wear the tudong. how i wish. astaghfirrullah. isn't that a big sin? i mentioned that i am proud of wearing the tudong yet i feel that way. i've no idea but i've to admit i do feel embarrassed of wearing tudong when i hang out with my friends. somehow, i just feel ashamed. my sis has malay/muslim friends yet she's embarrassed to go out with them wearing tudong. what about me who have non-muslim friends? at times i hate my own people. they do look down on the tudong girls. that stupid minah tudong song makes the matter worst. there's stereotype that these tudong girls are fake to be religious but in actual fact, they are worst than the non-tudong girls. oh, come on. i am sick of this. yes, there're those tudong girls who wear tight clothes. that is totally wrong. but don't assume that the rest are the same. i always wear loose clothes yet there're some dumb malay guys who give comments to me and they sing that stupid minah tudong song. be matured for goodness sake. there's once when i wanted to go and pray so i informed those malay friends of mine. they'd the nerves to say, "Wah, you so religious ah?" and that's not the only one. i am rather ok if the non-muslims say that but not the muslims. probably, they think it's old-fashioned to be religious and being conservative or at least obey the rules. however, they still can look down on the tudong girls. i never forget when this malay friend mentioned that even though she doesn't wear tudong, at least she's far better than those girls who don't wear tudong appropriately. who does she think she is? an ustazah? a very religious person who has the right to give such comments? and she's wearing a very short skirt when she said that. how ironic. it is a pressure living in this society. the muslims are discriminated just because of those terrorists. what hurts me really the most it is the muslims who dirty the sacred islamic religion. it is not the religion but the followers who tarnish it. the others will take advantage of this situation. like singapore. it's known for a first-class economy but third-class citizens. others think that islam is a terrorist religion. if it is, why am i not one? what about the conflict between the catholics and protestants in the northern ireland? there are terrorists. but why do the muslim terrorist always get the bad name? is it because they dare to attack the most powerful country? i am saddened to learn about the muslim discrimination in europe. i pity the muslims. but i have faith that they are strong. i just want a world peace. just stop this discrimination towards the muslims. punish those wrong people but don't assume the rest are like that.

i know i have to change. i must change for the good. i can't continue to be like this.

rabiah♥2:38 AM