Monday, January 07, 2008
i was reading this diary since i didn't feel like sleeping last night. gosh, i find the author is so full of hatred. and the main thing is she hates herself too much. it's like impossible to find one of the entries without her cursing herself. all those words she described herself are so negative. like what i've just learnt in sociology. she is a prejudiced discriminator but this is towards herself.
and i just realised that the author was actually myself.
some of the excerpts from the diary. most are kinda personal erm, cause the hatred is a bit extreme:
tears streaming down my face
blood running down my arm in a blink of eye
i am gone
lost without hope
without a hope of returning
without a thought of a good tomorrow
without everything
i am alone
and i cry
from my eyes and my veins
wishing i could hold on
wishing i were strong
wishing i were not alone
what am i supposed to do
to take me off the blue
but i just refuse to
cause my heart says boo
i know i can't do it
but i just can't help indeed
i do need a kit
to love myself at least a bit
but when i look at the mirror
an ugly, fat reflection appears
and the eyes i see a fear
with no single tear
but a shout for help i'm sure
my mask is put on
to hide the face
the face which is torn
in a fast pace
for how long should i wear
for how long should i bear
my heart is bawling aloud
but no single soul hears a sound
tears are streaming
the heart is screaming
the face is crying
the brain is wearing
but the mask is working
gosh, stop emoing, rabiah. this is what happens if you keep listening to emo songs like linkin park's. haiz. no use sighing. i should be ashamed of myself for thinking that i've problems when they are actually nothing compared to the others' problems. anyway, i love to watch "tahu nahu"! it's actually an educational malay program for primary school kids in order to improve their malay language. but that doesn't stop me from watching. only after i watched the show did i realise that my malay actually sucks and wonder how on earth i can get an a for my os. and i just learnt this after like 10 years learning malay in school. oh, perhaps those just simply slipped out of my mind. hee.
here are the some words that i remembered from the show:
jejantas=jembatan jalan atas
jabanah=jalan bawah tanah
pawagam=panggung wayang gambar
kugiran=kumpulan gitar rancak
cerpen=cerita pendek
mak pitied me for not knowing this. she shook her head and sighed when i told her. haha.
