Monday, August 30, 2010
MasyaAllah. it's the 20th of ramadhan. how time flies. those chosen ones will InsyaAllah receive lailatul qadar. the night of Al-Qadr is better than a thousand months. Allahu Akhbar. however, i'm still the same. the jahil, the sinner. someone who always wants to change for the better but fails to do so. why is my heart so...hard, cold and dark?:( i cry upon listening to zikir, syarahan, selawat and His firmans. and will determine to seek for taubat. but why don't i change? on every single day, i'll make countless sins. i regret and then, pray for His guidance to change. but yet, i will commit the sins. why am i not strong enough? if there's a will, there's a way. perhaps, i'm just not strong and not ikhlas to change:( whatever it is, i must change. i can't continue leading such a life.
and i need to love myself. i simply need to stop hating myself...
hmm. i can't deny i do drag myself to work. perhaps, always drag my feet there. haha. it's not the patients. in fact, they're one of my motivations to work. seriously. having that feeling that i've done a small part in their lives makes me feel happy. seeing them go home makes me smile. even though not all of them can make it, i'll just tell myself that God wants them to stop suffering. but well, there're times that patients pass away due to negligence from the healthcare professionals. i extremely hope i won't face such situations. Nau'zubillah. i don't know. perhaps the workload...or some people. haa. i know we can never please everyone. and for workload wise, i believe everyone does have a point of time when one is stressed up with work and feels cannot keep up with the work pressure. hence, i can't complain about work. perhaps i'm, again, not strong enough to face these challenges. it's just that i hate that guilt feeling that i always have after work. that i've not done a good job being a staff nurse. i'm not good towards my patients and colleagues. i tend to feel i've passed a lot of things to my colleagues to follow up. and i'll keep thinking about my freaking work as if i've no life. there're times i even dreamt of work and those voices will keep lingering in my ears. Ya Allah, what the hell is wrong with me? i've to admit sometimes, i do regret choosing nursing. i feel as if i'm not meant to be a nurse. man, i really don't know what i really want in life. haiz. on the other hand, i do feel He is telling me to continue nursing. Alhamdulillah, i've received anugerah mendaki due to my good academic results. erm, i don't know my results were that good. hee. hmm. haiz. just show me Your Guidance, Allah...
i hope abdul rahman will improve. please. honestly, at times, i hope he is not what he is now. but we've to accept the fact. all we can do is to support him and pray that he'll improve day by day. haiz. it's difficult. but i've to admit there're others who're much worse. read the berita harian and the sunday times. i have my sympathy on the 25-yr-old guy and his mum. i wonder what exactly his mum is going through. to nurse your son is definitely not easy esp when he was a normal young man. and only after i read the article re:lee kuan yew's wife did i feel how vulnerable we humans are. we can never know when we'll fall sick, when we'll die. and when it happens to our loved one, it's not easy to accept it totally. every day, i nurse a patient but will i be ready to nurse my own loved ones? or will i be prepared to be nursed??
but whatever it is, i do feel grateful with my life. Alhamdulillah:)
rabiah♥2:05 AM
