keep calm and carry on. only when you find your inner peace do you manage to do your things smoothly. InyaAllah:)
recently, met up with my former secondary classmates. miss them so much, miss that kind of company. except we seem to tone down. haha. couldn't believe the crazy things we did back then. still can't believe we were 'the in group' in e1. hahaha. it's been 5 yrs since i left bowen. seriously miss those 'innocent' sch days! haha. poly was a different kind as we're starting our stepping stone towards our nursing career. but pri and sec schs' life was such a carefree one. i guess i've brought up this topic before in my previous post. hee. but still, i've learnt a lot along the way though. pri sch one was more of finding the right kind of friends and peer pressure; and sec sch was more like abt studies and cca. haha. let bygones be bygones. the past maybe gone but we can't erase the memory and learning experience. so we just need to learn from the past and keep moving forward. it's a cliche but we just simply have to.
suxin mentioned that everyone from our sec sch days have changed. ya, change either physically or in character/behaviour/maturity wise. i seem to look pretty much the same, perhaps i've gained weight? haiz. this weight issue sucks. anyway, but character wise, i don't know. somehow i can't define myself. haha. some ppl say i'm a matured girl but there're ppl call me childish for having collection of disney dvds and stickers. haha. at times, i wonder how can ppl judge me when i, myself, don't even know myself? i believe this self-debating occurs in everyone. almost every day, we'll argue with our ownself. which is the need and the want. which is right and wrong. which one should be prioritized. but i guess it's just sad when one doesn't really, fully knows what he/she truly wants. and i'm one of them. till now, i can't totally figure out what i wanna do in life. i don't know how one can have so much passion in something. so passionate in doing something. i don't! well, maybe in more years to come, i may find what i want. i don't know. maybe i won't. whatever it is, the present is the most important of all cause it will affect my future. so since i'm now a nurse, i believe i should just get on with life with my nursing career in mind. hah. maybe there'll be a change in course but for now, let me stick to nursing. ok, why do i feel like i'm a follow-the-flow-of-fate person? hmm.
so, who's going to be the new president of singapore?
hmm, i've not updated my dear blog for a long time, haven't i? hehe. things are pretty much ok. well, whatever happens, life has to go on. learn from the past and move on. we can never change the past but we can control the future, can't we?the incident from the nightingle nh created a stir in my workplace. the nurses were obviously very wrong. they should never do that. it's not about the role being a nurse, being compassionate or whatsover. it's an inhumane doing. anyone should not do that! hence, i was quite irritated upon reading comments on the nurses being incompassionate and not doing their jobs well blah blah. i can say that the children did not do their job well by placing their assisted 1 mother in a nh for 4 years. there must be reason(s) why they placed their mum in nh and there are also reason(s) why the nurses treated their mum such way. whatever it is, this incident put more pressure on the nurses. seriously. and esp the foreign ones. i've been asked a lot of times if i'm a local or not. and only after i answer i'm a local did i see a smile in their face. when my filipino colleagues chatted in tagalog, the patients' relatives seemed to stare at them with this 'not happy' impression. there was once when i screened the curtain to transfer the newly admitted patient from the ed trolley to the bed, the son wanted to see how we transferred. i seeked for his trust, trying to convince him. he said that he's worried for his mother. i got to gain his trust but i know this won't be the last time i'll face this kind of situation. being a nurse is not easy. i really believe that we must have passion being one or else we'll never love our job. it's not the jobscope. doing rounds with the drs, carrying out the changes ordered by the drs, administering meds, feeding and cleaning the patients are actually not hard to do. but to handle the antics of the patients and relatives. and sometimes the drs, but luckily, i can somehow get along with most of them, so it's not a big problem. heh. but seriously, i can almost breakdown tolerating the demands of the patients and relatives. they can be really too much. at times, i feel they're like bullying us, or maybe taking advantage of us. i know the relatives are concerned but they should learn that we can't always do eveything for the patients. why can't you feed your own mother? she doesn't have any swallowing impairment, she can consume normal diet consistency, but she prefers to be fed, so why can't you feed her? it's just weird ok? i don't like that feeling of feeding my patient and her children are looking at me with their folded arms. haa. i think the patient would prefer her own daughter feeding her to a stranger. i recalled this patient who verbalized that even her own children never feed her, instead they hired a maid to do so. i tried to reason out thay they maybe busy but she asked but why it's so difficult to feed her at least once. haiz... come on, we even have a campaign on filial piety. how pathetic can singaporeans be? well, both parties play a part in handling the patients. those nh nurses must be punished, their behaviours are completely intolerable! on the other hand, i also seek understanding and trust from the patients and relatives..
well, all i know is i do have passion in being a nurse, even though it's not easy to maintain that passion. haha. InsyaAllah, i'll carry out my responsibility being a nurse with amanah:)
btw, thankfully gongcha pearls are tested safe! i can drink my favourite drink: pearly ice milk tea in peace. hehe.
we paint our own colours of life. but still, not everything is beyond our control even though we tried our best. haa, at times, i wish doraemon exists. he has this drawer that enables us to go back to our past life when we can attempt to change a decision or an action or whatsoever that will affect our future, perhaps for the best. hahaha. wth. things are not pretty fine. nah, it's not about work. well, not totally. there's always sth about work, isn't it? haha. well, i don't give a f***ing damn la. all i know i've to play my responsibility as a nurse towards the patients. actually the patients are the reason why i come to work. i don't give a damn if ppl like me or not. all i care is my patients. i hope. haha. well, that's not the point. i'm worried. till now, i still have his number. he may be gone but i can't simply delete his number. it's not that i don't accept he's gone but i'm still very angry. gosh, i'm so angry. life was unfair towards him! haiz. it's fate. even if i cry blood, he won't come back anyway. urgh, she had better not come back! i really hope the matter can be settled quickly despite knowing it won't be easy and will definitely take a long time. haiz, haiz, haiz. miss him a lot:( regretted for not nagging him more and forcing him to go to the hospital. regretted that my last talk to him was not a gd one. and regretted for not making him stay here... nani may tell us that she redha but i know she still can't accept it. she is still very angry. i wonder why she pretends to take her meds when she keeps insisting to go home. she thinks we are blind and stupid not to know of her not taking her meds. obviously, she denies it when we ask her. we're worried for her well-being but she seems to be taking it lightly. nak tegor pun tak gune. she won't listen anyway. just pray her heart won't be that hard and she will get well soon.
obek piya's death was not a surprise one but it did an impact on me. i was not closed with her but i knew her as a jovial and talkative person! in spite of her illness, she seemed to take it well and tried to enjoy her life. thank goodness she was terminally discharged and passed away at home with her loved ones around. it reminded me of mr li who had mets renal ca. he was discharged on thurs morning and passed away on the next morning at home. for me personally, i prefer my patients(esp palliative ones) to pass away at home. well, of course, it's up to the individual. as long as it is his/her wish, i guess he/she will go in peace...oh, btw, if you're reading my post, it's not good to comment the physics of dying ppl. it's very disrespectful! hmm. her death reminded me of my late pt mr tay. he passed away 1 day before her death and he also had cancer. i was quite affected with his death as i had seen how much he had deteriorated. from a walker who's rather fussy to someone who was almost a vegetable. hmm. indeed, Allah is Almighty.
anyway, gonna start my degree in this coming aug. InsyaAllah, i will get through it. i still don't exactly know what i want in life but i know i need these 2 certs. advanced dip and degree. InsyaAllah:)
can't deny i kinda envy other kids who seem intelligent, who are so much better than abdul rahman. wonder why he can't be like them when they all have the same diagnosis. silly me who forgets that every kid is special and autism is a broad spectrum disorder. regardless of what, i love you, abdul rahman sayang:)
chocolates seem to be the most perfect food on earth:) hehe. i'm always tempted to eat chocolates everyday. well, cocoa contains endorphin which helps to relief pressure and serotonin which acts as an anti-depressant! back from my nd, having rd today. somehow, there seems never a day i won't be entertained with the patients' antics. well, i'm trying to be more postive now. i took those 'non-stop taking' and 'behavioural problems' as some of the means for me to stay awake for the night shift! hee. hmm. i'm trying to make those unpleasant things i'm experiencing on a day as bad moments instead of thinking i'm having a bad day. our life is precious. it's not worth it to make those negative things to affect our day. if they are problems, try to solve them. if they are mistakes, learn from them and not to repeat them again. if they are negative comments, be strong, improve yourself and prove those a**holes wrong. and then, move one and live your life to your fullest! haha. saying them is very easy but doing them. well, we can try. if we don't try, how will we know? i remember this dear patient of mine. she was almost 95 yrs old but didn't look like one! perhaps she looked like in 60s? we praised her for her youthful look and teased her if she used anti-wrinkles products. and she claimed that to look young, we've to be happy. every day we'll face problems cause that's life. but why must we suffer with these problems? we're created with brains and hearts, brains to solve the problems and hearts to control our feelings. i told her not all problems we face we can solve. and there are times we cannot take it anymore and think life is unfair etc. she then said in malay, "go and cry. it's ok to cry and feel weak but you must be strong after that." i just kept quiet. didn't feel like arguing with her. and somehow, she's true. but on the other hand, i also feel that life is never easy. there are other ppl who have worst problems, which i think are quite difficult to deal with...
well, whatever it is, as mentioned by the great vincent van gogh 'as we advance in life, it becomes more and more difficult, but in fighting the difficulties the inmost strenght of the heart is developed'.
enough of serious crapping. haha. can't wait for karaoke-ing session with cousins. even though my voice is totally s***, i still like karaoke-ing! hehe. my last one was with my colleagues; it's my first time karaoke-ing at town. usually, i go to the bedok princess one with friends and cousins. mcm excited gitu. hehe. btw, i hope i can change my pm shift with any of my colleagues who's on am duty on this sat. wanna go bbq with my nyp nursing grpmates!
there are times when i just simply wanna give up, leave my bloody things and run away. run away from my world and go to my dream world. my own dream world where things go my way. haha. what a childish dream! haiz. it's not like i wanna run away from the problems i've faced. it ain't life without ups and downs. and obstacles are what all of us will definitely face in life. but well, each of us has own our own weaknesses. i'm not that strong enough. sometimes, i feel like bawling, just cry out loudly as if by doing so, my problems can disappear into thin air. haha. but when i did some self-reflect, well, my problems ain't that big. there are other ppl who suffer so much more than me. then, who am i to complain, right?
well, just pray that things can be kinda smooth this yr. going to start my degree in nursing in this coming aug. finally. initially, i planned to take it next year but Alhamdullilah, i manage to save up to take it this yr instead. hope i'm able to get my degree cert when i finish my bond. hehe. well, in case i feel like resigning! haha. no la. don't think that i'm gonna leave the ward cause the thing is i don't know where to go after that. seeing my seniors leaving the ward does envy me; they have left the hell! haha; but nah, i can't. money matters. then, i'm considering of taking private diploma in early childhood or childhood pyschology. having an autistic brother does interest me in pursuing such courses. if i take the offer to take such course in awwa, i need to work with them after that. then, where shall i put my dear nursing career? hehe. speaking of nursing, haiz, it is difficult. every job has its own difficulties though but i seriously request 'respect'. really. pls respect us. we've been compromising a lot, trying our hard to please ppl. not only the patients but also their dear relatives and the drs. we're also professionals here ok?
tsk tsk. hee. sudah la:)
happy new year:) even though i may be almost 1 day late to wish that but still. somehow, i do feel that a new year doesn't really make such a big difference to me, unless i'm expecting big events to happen like getting married, graduating from uni, having a baby or sth. whahahaha. whatever. hmm. i just hope it'll be a better year than 2010, hope that i'll be a better person, daughter, sister, granddaughter and nurse:)
hmm. well, it's a brand new year, and as i've mentioned before, ppl usually will set their resolutions after doing some self-reflection for the past year. 2010 was a year when i graduated from poly, started working as a full-time rn, learnt the working world, learnt the true colours(haa..) and somehow, i've to admit i did change. ain't sure whether its'a good change or not, but i just know i was not exactly the same rabiah in poly. ya, one of the reasons was i'm very lazy to study! haha. still it was kinda a bolt from the blue when sister actually signed me up as an auditor, not only one of the documentation qc auditors, but i'm going to run an audit in a ward! frankly, i feel i'm too new to be one but when an opportunity knocks, one should open the door with welcome arms. haa. i really hope i won't be a disappointment. honestly, i'm rather nervous and scared:( fear that i can't make it...
anyway, i'm currently love to watch those 70-80s hindi movies. haha. love jeetendra! so good-looking. and i did watch hindi black and white films. it's such a big pity that raj and shashi kapoor put on a lot of weight when they acted in coloured fims. they're very good-looking as well! they looked so much better than their grandson, ranbir kapoor. haa. hmm. ooh. bought an iphone recently! was quite baffled to choose between iphone4 and samsung galaxy s, eventually bought the former as samsung galaxy s was quite costly. used to think that iphone4 was so common;y used that i didn't wanna own it. haha. eat my words. now, kinda addicted to the games! hehe.
well, may this 2011 bring more smiles:)
totally love the disney princesses plus the princes, of course. no matter how many times i watch their movies, i never get sick of them. hee:)
change is inevitable. people do change. and i'm so sorry if i have. well, whatever it is, life has to go on. no matter how hard i think my life may be, i've to keep telling myself there're lots of people who are suffering so much damn more than me. doris day did mention 'gratitude is riches. complaints is poverty.' because if we're not grateful, we can never be happy with what we have.
can't believe it's going to be end of the year. hmmm. should i make my new year's resolutions? or should i achieve my last year's ones? haha. i guess so. wikipedia states the concept of a new year's resolution is to reflect upon self-improvement. kinda true. but why must it be done at the end of the year? haha. whatever it is, it is good to sit down and think what we can do to make ourselves a better person. having goals is an essential thing cause without some goal and some effort to reach it, no one can live. of course, we must be realistic and know ourselves better if we can achieve our goals or not and most importantly, we must try to achieve them as best as we can. one of my goals is to lose weight. really. i can't help myself from thinking that i'm fat. unfortunately, i love eating and ever since i've started working, i've this very, very bad habit of eating late supper. somehow, i like to sleep in a full stomach but i hate the fact i'm like turning into a pig! furthermore, i seriously have not exercised for a damn bloody long time. i guess my last workout was my napfa test. wonder how on earth i could get silver for it. so rabiah, pls pls pls eat less and start working out!!!
recently, there're few incidents reported on gang fights/riots. tsk tsk. when can there be ever a world peace? haiz. friends are of the most influential people in our life. if we're not making wise choice in friendships, i'm afraid we may go astray as well. only after i read some news articles on ex gang members did i reflect my pri5-6 sch days. it's not that i was in a gang(hello, i was just a pri sch kid!) but i've to admit i was not doing a good job in making friends. haa. can't deny that these 'friends' were not good ones. i did a hell lot of mistakes back then. not so major like the ones in the papers but i can say there're embarrassing ones which had let my parents down. i do wish i can turn back time. but then, mistakes are meant to be happened. only when we fall do we get up again. and with no mistakes, when can we learn? there's always a blessing in disguise though. this experience did make me a much matured and stronger person. but it did make me not to trust people easily and not believe the phrase 'best friends forever'. somehow, i cannot find myself to believe that there's someone who will always be there for you through every thick and thin. there is no such person. really. except God and yourself. period.
hope that makes one alive:)
can't sleep now. haiz. nowadays, my sleeping order is not consistent and somehow, my body is able to adapt to the changes in the body clock. at times, i can sleep like 3-4hrs but at other times, i sleep like 10-12hrs straight. perhaps the long hours sleep are to make up the incomplete duration of sleeps i have had. hehe. 'bayar hutang tidor'.
btw, i can't wait to watch the new disney movie:rapunzel and buy linkin park's new album:)
